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There is nothing wrong and nothing good, it's all about personal perspective..
There is joy and sorrow tonight. This bittersweet sensation has taken my mind all day long.
So many questions and only one answer: wrong way.
I am constantly looking for new adventures to have something to tell, to remember that experiences and laugh or feel like a heroine. I haven't done anything with these experiences but to keep them for myself. It's almost a year since I haven't paint or draw and I want to express all I have learned in a different discipline. With my project Kyrie I started making music with my friend Carlos. All these emotions had become notes and lyrics. All my friends are there in some way; like in "God is my imaginary friend" I try to capture all the different approaches I experimented to get to know God in a naive song.
The next song I want to work in is called "The Houdini Syndrome" and it's quite important to me right now because I am closing a toxic stage of my life tonight. I say goodbye to all the things that hurt me. I feel damaged and I cannot recover, not even with 15 hours of sleep. I am cracked like a cookie. Yesterday I broke a significant decision I made when I was 10. I promised myself (and my sister) don’t take drugs ever, because I was conscious of her disability and how she is trying to overcome this situation. I have nothing to say in my defense but I did not find anything there. It is just an empty space and I can get there by other doors such as meditation. It is not that impossible. I do not see how people find so attractive to feel in a hole full of spam. That's what I felt and I do not want to return to that place again.
I thought I had touched the lowest part of my love obsessions but now I can see there is a lower lever: the bottom. Stop the car, the journey is over. From now on I will use my imagination to inspire myself. There is no need to be in the places where people suffer as an amusement. I am not in their gang, I will cease to pretend that I need to feel part of a group or accepted by a person. I do not need it and it's becoming exhaustive. It's killing me. I am going to be what I am and if nobody is on my track it is ok, the road is still very long and interesting.
So, I am on my way to the other side again, hope I do not miss the bus. I always wanted to be in the other side, where everything has a solution, everybody gives you a hand and you never stop learning. Sorry, I was lost, consciously lost, though I am back. I will forget this need of embracing problems that do not belong to me. (Is this happens to me every ten years?) Let's forget the tradition and start a new path, that's all I have.
It was a wonderful vacation on hell but I must go back to heaven.
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